I began writing for Single women in 2006, and since then one of my most often repeated pieces of advice is "It's Just a Coffee. Say Yes to the Coffee." But what if no-one is asking you for a coffee?
First of all, I hope the person asking me this question is a woman. I was shocked the other day to see a meme on a traditional Catholic Facebook account in which a cartoon woman says "Marry me, baby" to a bearded man who replies with a laconic "Yes." If even the men who adapt and/or republish Groyper cartoons are expecting women to make the moves, I despair. As I wail at waltzing parties, "The girls can't ask you; they're trad girls."
Second, if you're a 20-something university student, you are surrounded by men your own age, but they are not necessarily old enough yet to ask girls out for coffee. As you may have noticed, every culture west of the Oder River is bent on keeping boys teenagers until they are 30 while encouraging women to skip their child-bearing years altogether. Boys are encouraged to look up to men who play games (footballers), instruments (bands) or make-believe (actors) for a living, whereas women are exhorted to work for decades towards becoming astronauts or high court judges. It's as if cultural influencers were deliberately trying to wipe out the birth rate and end the father-led family. But I digress.
Despite this, we all grow up at different times, though, so don't be surprised if a 21- or 22-year-old asks one of your friends for coffee. He probably asked her (not you) because she looks like the Ideal Woman imprinted on his psyche, possibly by a kind and oblivious primary school teacher when he was 8.*
To put this all into perspective, the average age a man (first) marries in the USA is 30.2 (2021) and in the UK 33.4 (2022). Little wonder then that the average age an American woman marries at is 28.1 and a British woman--31.5. I asked an expert on British Catholic demographics what the average age was for Catholics, but he told me he had no idea.
As young traditional Catholics do not merely move in with somebody after years of sinful and stupid amorous adventures, I imagine they--on average--marry younger than that. However, I do not as yet have any data on it. It may be that many Catholics become traditional after they marry young, hoping to find more support for their very unfashionable way of life than they find in their local NO parishes.
Third, the current economy does not encourage men to enter a trade or a profession at a young age, build savings, buy a house, and look for wives. Fewer men go to university than women now, and some of those men opt for courses of study that do not, in fact, lead to remunerative occupations. Also, messages about what to do with money, once a man manages to earn any, are ridiculous. I was horrified recently by an advert for banking services which showed a young man looking with great greedy eyes at a jeweller's window. He was staring at a luxury wristwatch. (Of course, the idea that a man must buy a woman a hideously expensive engagement ring as a prerequisite for marriage is also discouraging.)
Therefore, if you are a traditional Catholic girl in your early twenties, do not despair or wonder if it is somehow your fault that a young man, let alone legions of young men, has not terrified you with an invitation to coffee. It is not. (That said, if your preferred topic of conversation with young men is their faults, you may want to rethink your approach.)
Carry on with life as normal, taking care to socialize and serve within the traditional (and/or tradition-positive) Catholic community which, for all its challenges, thinks more highly of chastity, marriage and children than any secular fellowship. Do your best at your studies, and when you earn money, do your best not to squander it. It will come in handy when you do marry, which I assure you you are very likely to do within the next ten years. If at all possible, stay at home with your parents and tell them that you are creating a nest egg towards your eventual marriage. That may make them rethink charging you rent, if that's what they're thinking.
That nest egg, by the way, is not to be squandered on a blowout wedding (and, interestingly, my etiquette books think blowout weddings aren't very class), but to be safely invested** so that when you are homeschooling your five-plus beautiful children, it will contribute to the family income. Alternatively, it could serve as a down-payment for a home.
To sweeten all this advice, I will now share with your one of my favourite toys, the online investment calculator.
*More on this important theme later.
**If in Britain, go to Monevator to find out more about this sort of thing. If in Canada, Millennial Revolution is for you. If in the USA, Mr. Money Moustache is for you. None of the authors are Trad Catholics, but they do understand about retiring early from the workplace, which is what traditional Catholic girls are very likely to do.
I've noticed singles falling into the trap of being too set in their ways.
ReplyDeleteMy uncle is in his 60s and never married. He frets about little things that family members do that bother him and we can't always anticipate what will set him off. When clearing the table to wash dishes after a meal, he'll get upset if someone stacks a plate on top of another one. My uncle is known to raise his voice a lot when my aunt visits, telling her to shut up. He loudly belches and doesn't apologize for it.
He moved back in with his parents years ago since he was laid off from his job and struggles to find permanent employment because of his age. My grandpa died nearly 10 years ago and grandma lives with his outbursts. She sometimes speaks to him in private about his poor behavior.
That is very sad. It sounds like your uncle might benefit from a therapist or life coach. If he held down a job (e.g. Deliveroo), he might not be so angry. I'm reminded again that is it not enough to have a job and/or earn money: one must also save and invest.
DeleteMy own experience of my twenties causes me a twinge of disquiet when young people are given advice to live with their parents in order to save money. I lived with my parents from age 26-28, not as a plan to save money for my married life but because I was going through a funk where I had no more self-confidence than to hold down a part-time minimum wage job (they did not charge me rent, and I could hardly have paid if they had). Those two years were a healing experience in some ways, and led to a better relationship with my parents -- when I finally learned to stop giving my mother advice about running her household, for example, or learned that accomplishing personal goals could not be outsourced to my dad. When I left, it was under my own steam, because I'd finally built up enough cash and confidence to strike out from shore again.
ReplyDeleteStill, there was so much -- so, so MUCH -- personal growth that simply was not able to happen until AFTER I'd reached the point of leaving the parental roof (for the second time).
Of course, other people might not have the same emotional challenges I had with this. And theoretically I'm all for strong family bonds and helping each other. Our fragmented, atomized, individualistic society is a disaster. But family is not the whole answer to this. "Good, strong, Catholic families" often suffer from very deep wounds. Often it's hard to see these until one gains some distance and experience of other contexts. This is perhaps particularly true of homeschooling families, members of which can often seem to be totally oblivious that there is any legitimate reality outside of their own narrow experience.
I would just suggest that young people take it into very serious consideration that having the strength, responsibility, and emotional stability to be ABLE to leave one's family, even if one does not actually chose to do so, is pretty necessary for a stable and happy life, married or not.
Amused