Post-war pre-conciliar dating
To do I will dip periodically into the thought of Sarah Maclean (no relation, 1962).
If there is one more crucial time to understand that other people are real, it is in the area of dating and courtship. I write with the zeal of the convert, for my behaviour as a young woman was unthoughtful. Had I my time over again, I would not go out for expensive coffees, lunches, dinners, drinks or snacks with hopeful youths who wrongly believed I would make them a good wife one day. Hindsight being almost supernatural, I would go straight to Scotland at 19 and find Benedict Ambrose doing crossword puzzles in the Aberdeen Art Gallery.
Most of my younger readers want to get married and have children, so eventually you will want to distinguish between members of your (I hope) wide Catholic acquaintance and either ask one if she would ever consider being married to you or decide if you could ever consider being married to him.
The question is how to get to that question. Traditionally--once we get past parents arranging everything--young men find excuses to spend time with the young women they like best. Also traditionally, these young men and women live in the same community, probably grew up together, or at least are attending the same university. Traditionally, they already knew each other; the question was if they might fall in love. And, traditionally, "dating" was a more-or-less smooth transition from being at the same social events. Before World War I, the young man's distinguishing question was not "May I pick you up at eight?" but "May I walk you home?"
Today homes tend to be a rather long walk from where young people gather, so the 21st century equivalent (at least in UK cities) of that question is probably "May I walk you to the bus stop?" or "May I drive you home?" Obviously this is not the kind of question a man can ask a complete stranger, as no sane woman goes anywhere with a man she doesn't know, let alone by car. Thus, a useful question for a young man who has met an attractive, entertaining and sympathetic young woman at a party or dance is "Would you like to go out for coffee this week?"
It's just a coffee
One of the difficulties of female life is that we often develop ideas about our Ideal Man from fictional characters (e.g. Mr. Darcy) and thus we are disappointed that real men aren't much like them. This is why I stress that, according to 2023 currency, Mr. Darcy was a billionaire and Elizabeth Bennett the daughter of a multi-millionaire. Your chances of meeting (let alone marrying) a Mr. Darcy are equal to your chances of meeting Leonardo Maria Del Vecchio, 28, who according to Forbes has a fortune of 4 billion (USD).
Fortunately, any young people reading this are probably Catholics, and traditionalist Catholics to boot, so my female readers are not hoping for a Mr. Darcy, but a Catholic Gilbert Blythe, which is to say a kind, intelligent, hardworking, amiable young man with whom to go to Mass every Sunday (or every day) and have as many children as God sends.
However, my female readers may also hope for a man with the looks and aplomb of a movie star, and so when an ordinary-looking and slightly clumsy youth asks them if they would like to go out for coffee this week, they may panic and say no.
Don't say no. It's just a coffee. It could mean something, but it could mean nothing. It's just a coffee. You know who goes out for coffee with young men? Me. Married old me. Because it's just a coffee. Moreover, last month B.A. met a female former classmate for coffee. I recorded what he spent in the accounts book without turning a hair because it was just a coffee.
A sample script for making an appointment for coffee
Unmarried man: Would you like to continue this conversation over coffee this week?
Unmarried woman (not panicking): Sure. When?
Unmarried man: How about Sunday morning before Mass?
Unmarried woman: I can't Sunday; I keep the old fast.
Unmarried man: Maybe Saturday at 10? Club Sandwich Cafe across from Haymarket Station is quiet, even on a Saturday.
Unmarried woman: That works for me. Thank you!
Note that the man should have a specific time and place in mind. In the UK, people say "Let's have coffee soon" just to be polite, and they seem nervous when Canadians like me take out a pen and paper and say "When? Where?" Thus, if you really want to go for coffee in the UK, you must say when and where.
Who pays?
Obviously the man pays, for he asked. But because he is paying, he should pick the cafe. Understanding that the young man is real, and that only he knows what he can afford, the young lady leaves the decision of the venue to him unless his first choice is terribly inconvenient.
Remembering that the young lady is real, with real worries about not looking greedy, the young man should declare if he intends to eat anything and then invite her to do the same. But if I were the young lady, I would have eaten something beforehand, just so that I could say so. It's just coffee, not lunch, and the point is the conversation.
The conversation
If this coffee (which is so far just a coffee) is to become in hindsight the gentle, zero-stress beginning of an actual courtship, it is best that conversation be kept light and good-humoured. One of the worst and most common mistakes of the First Date is unloading all your hopes, fears, and past tragedies on the person across the table. I almost burst into tears when a lonely friend about my age told me about a first date with a widower. It was clear that neither saw the other as real. If I remember correctly, the widower took her to his late wife's favourite restaurant, and she felt more sorry for herself than for him.
When you are on what could be (in hindsight) your first date, you must pretend that your life is practically perfect and you have met with nothing but kindness all your privileged, joyful life. You must also give the impression that you are just as interested in finding out about your interlocutor as he or she might be interested in finding out about you.
The best possible conversational material is something you both share in common and care about. Your could also share non-malicious gossip about mutual friends. If anyone I know personally doesn't want to talk, even non-maliciously, about someone behind their backs, I give them my hearty permission to gossip charitably about me. Always happy to help.
Two excellent sentence beginners: "What do you think about...?" and "I think...." The second, however, should sooner rather than later be followed by, "And what do you think about ... ?"
Hopefully by the end of this coffee, these two people have at least become friends or, if they were already friends, will continue to be friendly.
I would recommend that the young man invite the young lady out for a second coffee (and that, if she doesn't now actively dislike him, the young lady accept the invitation) before asking the slightly more daring question:
"Would you like to go out for lunch with me?"
A lunch is, admittedly, not just coffee. It is, however, just lunch. It is not a marriage proposal. It is not even a request not to accept similar invitations from other men. That said, it is a clear indication of the single young man's interest in spending alone time with a single young lady in a slightly more formal way. Not to make this all about money, but in Edinburgh a restaurant lunch for two sets you back at least £20 or so.
Again, I think this question should be asked and answered in the most casual, least stressful way. And here I am going to break definitively with The Rules (which did not foresee the age of the smartphone) and say that if a young man who has already paid for your cappuccino once or twice asks you to go out for lunch that very day, you can say "Yes."
I would, however, also raise an eyebrow and ask, "Are you paying?"
If he says "Of course," then it is a date. A courtship is clearly underway. And I will abide by my long-held opinion that, out of sheer sororal love for Nice-Catholic-Boys-In-General, a Nice Catholic Girl should probably accept that lunch date.
But if you have had coffee together twice, this is the date that indicates those coffees were dates (the first and the second), and by the end of it you should know the young man (and your feelings) well enough to know if you are just always going to be good friends or if you hope the courtship carries on.
If you know by the end that you are just always going to be good friends, tell him that when he asks you for a fourth date. Be friendly and firm. You enjoyed your coffee dates, and you enjoyed the lunch, and you were glad of the opportunities to get to know him better. But there's no spark, and you're sorry. You hope there are no hard feelings.
Mrs Maclean (1962) believes that the easiest way to let a man down is tell "a white lie" and say that there's someone else. However, Mrs McLean (2023) thinks lying never pays--especially as the man might ask you who he is.
By the way, if you have had a splendid lunch/third date with a different man and are looking forward to a fourth with him, you can say in good conscience that there is someone else.
Courtship is not just a coffee
When in 2006 I began my first blog, Seraphic Singles, my intended audience was female. I was surprised when I discovered that men had begun to read it. Nevertheless, I continued to write to women, and I think I added "No Boys Allowed" to the comments box, or something amusing like that. However, for the sake of this series, I am trying to be evenhanded.
Thus, I am addressing both sexes when I say that it is best for everyone if you figure out within three or four dates if this could be a viable courtship.
Coffees are no longer just a coffee. Lunches are no longer just a lunch.
I know that this does not sound like a lot of dates, but my well-founded fear is that young people, out of fear of being alone, or of enjoyment of the social status that accompanies having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend," or of an addiction to restaurants, will begin just to take each other for granted for months or years, flirting with mortal sin the whole time, before one or the other gets bored and they break up.
But let's assume the young man and young woman have become terribly fond of each other, and each thinks the other is the bee's knees. If you are both devout Catholics over 21 and under 30, I think a full calendar year is probably long enough for a courtship in peacetime (unless all your friends and relatives are yelling "Don't do it!"). If you are both over 30 and absolutely convinced God brought you together, six months before popping the question may suffice.*
If she accepts a fourth date invitation from the same chap, I think the young woman--if she has a salary or an ample allowance--should at least offer to pay her share from then on. That way, if she doesn't agree to marry the man in the end, she can sleep with a clear conscience. Mine occasionally wakes me up at 3 AM to sneer.
Women are also real
If a young man initially pursues a woman, and then loses interest after he gets to know her better, it is not okay to string her along. He must stop asking her out.
Women should not ask men out. If you pursue a man, you will never know if he might have had the gumption to pursue you. Worse, you won't know if he is really interested in you, or merely flattered to be courted by you. While chasing him, you won't meet the man who would walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more just to be the man who'd walk 1000 miles to fall down at your door.
It is not kind of a man to give in temporarily to a young woman with whom he could never see himself marrying because her courtship of him is so darn flattering. There are better, fairer ways to enjoy female companionship: holding and/or going to parties, joining Catholic young adult groups, taking language classes, being the only marriageable man at beauty school, tagging along with the girls after work, or asking out a woman in whom he really is interested for coffee.
Although it is terrible for women to string men along, it is obviously worse for men to string women along, especially those women who hope for chaste marriage and children. Normal, healthy female fertility begins to decline at 30, and it falls off a cliff at 35. It hits the ground at 45.
If you are a seminarian on a break, it is absolutely abysmal behaviour to lead a woman on and then dump her when you go back to the seminary or, worse, just before you are ordained to the diaconate. A woman's disappointment should not be the punchline of your Vocations Sunday homily.
I once heard such a homily in Canada, which is why I mention it.
*B.A. and I famously married about 7.5 months after we met, having fallen in love 8 days after my arrival in Scotland. But it should be stressed that we were in our late 30s and have so much in common we're probably 4th cousins.
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