Many of them involve scanning rooms of strangers, trying to find the courage to talk to one, and standing along some wall or other, hoping to be asked to dance.
My worst dance trauma ever occurred when I was in my co-ed primary school and the older grades were led to the gymnasium for a disco. (What were the teachers thinking?) This admission will stagger my young friends, but I asked a dozen or more (possibly 20) boys to dance, and every single one of them said 'No'.
As I was only 12, I did not know that boys are pack animals who are scarcely going to say 'Yes' to a girl after overhearing several other boys say 'No.' I also did not know that boys tease each other unmercifully over such things. It did not penetrate my brain that mainstream media's assertions that girls can ask boys to dance (or on dates) were not universally believed, particularly not by the children of recent immigrants from central, eastern, and southern Europe. What I didn't know was a lot, and it took me a very long time to stop believing everything I read in printed material even when it conflicted with Real Life.
In my opinion, the most gentlemanly thing a gentleman can do at a dance is ask a girl to dance before she is overwhelmed by the temptation to ask him. And if it is too late, he must, of course, say 'Yes.'
Fact of social life: Girls love to dance. If they are at a dance, they are there to dance. And every last one of them is sister to that poor red-haired 12-year-old who was turned down by 20 or so boys and then led back to her classroom fighting tears. The success of a dance lies on the shoulders of men; all that is asked of us women is that we be pleasant--and (literally) tread carefully. As a hostess, I must say I am so, so grateful when I see "our boys" ask girls--especially girls they don't know--to dance (and then brag about them to friends back in Canada).
Of course, it is easier for a gentleman to ask a lady to dance--or to talk to her at all--if he has been introduced to her. And this is the real subject of my post, almost lost in the harrowing description of my childhood humiliation: the importance of introductions.
I love to write about introductions because--after washing and putting on clean clothes appropriate to an occasion--they are the beginning of social life. They are so easy to do, and yet people often forget to do them. Whenever you accompany a friend or acquaintance somewhere where you know many people they don't know, you are bound by the laws of Western Civilization to introduce them around. This is why older people instinctually apologize if they forget to do it at once. "I'm so sorry! Janet, this is Peter. Peter, Janet."
By the way, there is no elder discrimination clause in this law of Western Civilization. Don't just introduce your peers to other peers. If there are elderly people you know at an event, you should introduce your friend or acquaintance to them, too--unless the elderly people have given you good reason not to, of course. There are self-absorbed elderly men who could bore for Britain. There are jealous elderly women who hate young women. However--and I cannot stress this enough--older, established people who like younger people often want to be of service to younger people, and it is in younger people's interests to know these excellent folk.
(A more recent unpleasant social memory has popped into mind, but I will grab the lump of gold from the silt: it is a pleasant young Czech student in Poland discovering that a grey-haired 50-something American student was not just the ancient lump of Yankeedom the other young students saw but someone rather high up in the American civil service. They exchanged cards.)
It sometimes happens that young people I don't know turn up at my Waltzing Parties, and the usual thing is that one of the regulars introduces him or her or them to me. This is 100% correct, and I wish everyone remembered to do this, for I am so busy that I forget to seek them out and make the introductions myself. It is more than a polite acknowledgement that I am the hostess of the party, it's a way of making sure the guests are properly welcomed and put at ease.
(This reminds me that I must ask any newcomers about their current dancing knowledge before the party starts. And it would also be a good idea to introduce everyone individually to the dance instructors. Why have I not thought of this before?)
Meanwhile, a very good way to survive a social event where you don't know anybody, or you haven't been introduced yet and your social butterfly pal is nowhere to be seen, is to find someone sitting or standing alone, march up to them and introduce yourself. Your discomfort in doing that should serve as a reminder of the crucial importance in social life of proper introductions.
I'll just end by saying that although there are numerous swing-dancing events in Edinburgh, complete with live bands whom I would love to hear, I don't feel comfortable going to them on my own. In my experience (staggered over several years), not enough is done to make newcomers feel welcome.
Sitting behind a table checking names is not hospitality. Events need real hosts or hostesses to look out for the paying guests, especially as so many are unaccompanied women. When more effort is made to ensure that the elderly and the alone are actually dancing at public dances, then I will believe the current protestations of wanting more "diversity" and "inclusion" are sincere.
This reminds me of Mr. Darcy's first public appearance in Meryton when he wouldn't dance. ". . . unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this, it would be insupportable. . . I am in no humor at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men." Boy did his behavior bite him the butt when it came to the woman he did grow to care about.
ReplyDeleteI remember the first dance at my college. It was a women's school and a bunch of guys we didn't know showed up. Maybe the school invited them or they just heard about the dance. None of us expected them. My friends and I were standing together when one approached the group asking if any of us would dance with him. None of us so much as knew his name, so no one took him up on the offer.
I've read that women spending time together in packs like that can be intimidating for men. If one of the women turns him down for a dance or date then it would be rude of him to ask one of the others. None of us are thrilled with being second choice or third choice.
In that scenario, my sympathies are for the poor boys you didn't know. If the college dance was open to the public, the boys weren't interlopers but guests. (Again we see the importance of having clearly designated hosts or hostesses, whose job is not ticket-checking but making guests feel welcome, which includes making introductions.) Of course, I know--none better--how difficult it can be for adolescent girls to put themselves in the shoes of adolescent boys, especially when the boys are strangers. But I must fight the idea that it is rude for a boy, when turned down, to ask another girl in the group to dance. "Second or third choice" indeed! We're not talking about the Judgement of Paris here. Why a boy asks one girl before another is probably a mystery even to him, or based on nothing more than a guess that she might be kind. My advice for (plea to) any young lady at a dance on her own home turf is to go into hostess mode when asked to dance by a stranger: say "Yes" (unless he is drunk and/or otherwise objectionable), ask him his name, and introduce him to someone else when the tune is over. This is doubly true if you have seen him rebuffed by another girl for no clear reason that you can see. In my view, this point is supported by Matthew 25:35. (Mrs McL)
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