Thinking about Our Boys

I tried to write a companion post to "Talking to Girls", but it got bogged down in the caveats about the minority of men who are mad, bad and dangerous to know, so I gave up. Let us put all that Daily Mail stuff aside and think about only those good men to whom you have been introduced at the Newman Center, CSU, Juventutem, on pilgrimage and/or at the After-Mass Coffee and Tea. In fact, let us talk about Our Boys.

Thinking about Our Boys suggests discrimination, and that's exactly what women should exhibit towards men: discrimination. After all, the Christian woman's ideal is to share her life with only one man (or, if a nun, only with the Son of Man) while being a cordial neighbour to the other men around. It is easier to be cordial when these men are sane, good and safe to know. And the easiest way to ensure that is to avoid the other kind completely. 

Sanity, goodness, and safety are merely the essential basics, of course. Young marriage-minded women often have a long list of traits that the Ideal Husband should have. It gets shorter as they get older and realize some of the things on the list are very trivial, or when they fall in head-over-heels with someone with few of the characteristics written secretly in the back of the notebook. Look at me: I married a man with a beard who can't drive.  

However, Benedict Ambrose was definitely one of Our Boys, which for me meant that he was a Catholic who went to Mass every Sunday and prayed every day. And since shared Catholicism was my number one value of values, I knew that however much B.A. might irritate me in future (if he did), I would stick by him through thick and thin: he was one of Our Boys. Also, he was funny, clever, kind, talented, and had great dinner parties. But that said, while B.A. was sliding into a coma, all that was left was the shared Catholicism. It was enough. 

The importance of thinking about men who share your most cherished values as Our Boys is that it helps dull the negative effects their more amusing traits have on you. In my experience, young women have a harder time understanding that men are not just women in larger, more rectangular bodies. Thus, it might seem hilarious when men are not as good as women are at certain things: striking up conversations with women, colour-coordinating outfits, reading micro-expressions, walking gracefully. It isn't really. 

Incidentally, as I am writing primarily for Our Girls, I am sure I don't have to explain how unreasonable it is to say men "just shouldn't look" or "should keep better custody of their eyes" in response to complaints to immodest female attire. Of course, some of the more original-minded of Our Boys will argue that women should dress like statues of Our Lady of Sorrows. He is, of course, making the error of thinking that women are just men in smaller, rounder bodies who will dispassionately weigh such ideas in an abstract fashion and not view them as personal attacks or think immediately of the Taliban. Naturally, it would be an error to take these Our Boys seriously, just as it would be an error to dress like statues of Our Lady of Sorrows. Tell them that you  tried dressing like OLOS at one point but gave it up when you tripped on your hem in front of a bus. 

In short, I am counselling patience, understanding and kindness. It is a terrible thing to laugh at a well-meaning young man. It is also a bad idea to scold him. Given the very anti-male turn our society has taken, and given the female domination of the education industry, the average young man in the West has been bullied by women from birth and is mighty tired of it. Therefore, instead of employing the "delightful raillery" used by millionaire's daughter Elizabeth Bennett when punching up at the billionaire Mr. Darcy, it is a better idea to give young men the impression that you think they are marvellous. 

There is an appropriate degree to this, of course. You don't want to give the impression that you are man-mad, and obviously you must be super-careful in what you say to married men. However, I cannot see that there is anything wrong in giving voice to positive, if trivial, thoughts that come into your mind when you see a pullover you like on a fellow Single or feel that your dance partner has greatly improved. 

And that's all I have to say. To recap:

1. Avoid all men who are mad, bad, and dangerous to know.

2. Develop feelings of solidarity with the men you know who share your most cherished values, aka Our Boys.

3. Plan on marrying one of them, or someone like them, one day. 

4. Be patient, understanding and kind when Our Boys, though well-meaning, are tongue-tied, puppyish, clumsy, or colour-uncoordinated. 

5. Some boys come up with weird abstract theories that you should neither take seriously nor get upset about. If possible, make a joke about it. 

Boy: Women should never work outside the home. 

Girl: That's why I'm going to marry for money. What's your major?

Boy: Women should dress like Our Lady.

Girl: I tried, but then I tripped in front of a bus. 

Boy: Women should not go to university.

Girl: But then how would we homeschool our sons?

6. If your outfit would have been morally acceptable in your town in 1962, it's fine now. 

7. Their female-dominated education may have been rather tough on Our Boys. Feed and water them with kind words.