The Fiscal History of Well-dowried Suzie

Suzie, like many other homeschooled children, grew up in a kind of genteel poverty: a well-worn 100% lambswool kind of life. She wasn't very conscious of this, however, as almost all the other children she knew were also homeschooled. Moreover, her family didn't own a television, she was not permitted to use the internet, she did not have a mobile phone, and she never watched a film that was not thoroughly vetted by her parents. 

Although ignorant of the dark sea of vice to be found through these electronica, Suzie knew something about money, for her parents frankly discussed bills before their children, while making it plain that such information was never to be discussed outside the family. (One of her elder brothers had mentioned the family finances at Latin Summer School, only to be informed by one of the other boys that his own father was richer than Peter's father, which Peter took as a slight, and chaos ensued.) Thus, Suzie, who knew nothing of designer labels, knew at 11 that the Gas Bill cost £34/m and the Electric Bill cost £32/m. These and other unhappy phenomena meant her mother could not be disturbed between 2PM and 5PM, for that was when she resumed her former, ancient career as a bookkeeper. 

Suzie's 12th birthday: £0

By her 12th birthday, however, Suzie was discontented with her lot. I am not sure why. Maybe she was tired of wearing her sisters' hand-me-downs. Maybe the holes in the (real) Aubusson carpet depressed her. Maybe she too had an altercation at Latin Summer School. At any rate, Suzie declared that she wanted something or other, and her mother said that if she wanted extras, she would have to work for them. 

To Suzie's mother's surprise, Suzie declared that she was quite willing to work and pointed out that she had been doing unpaid kitchen and garden and childminding work at home for years. "So have I," snapped Suzie's mother and a row ensued. But afterwards, Suzie's mother sought her out as she sulked in the frozen garden and made her a deal: Suzie could embark on a career of babysitting for £8 an hour if she promised always to discuss her income and outgoings with her mother. Also, Suzie would have to hand over 20% in deductions to go into her wedding fund. 

Suzie agreed and found a regular 4-hours a week gig within her extended family. She worked for 50 weeks (her mother insisted she have 2 paid-work-free weeks at Christmas), and earned £1600 cash. She obediently handed her mother £6.40 at the end of every week, which was a very good thing because Suzie spent the rest in wild abandon, all under the watchful but strangely lenient eyes of her parents. In fact, she was quite shocked when Christmas rolled around and she had barely enough to buy Christmas presents. She asked her mother for the saved 20% and, just like any other government would do, her mother refused to hand it over. 

Suzie's 13th birthday: £320

Suzie was furious when her mother pointed out that, had she not frittered her money away, she would have had more than £1000 in her savings account. And she had also, while reading a contraband magazine at the hairdresser's, discovered that the average British wedding costs £20,000. Therefore, she decided to increase both her income and her savings rate in a dramatic way. Henceforth she would find more baby-sitting customers, put 80% of whatever she made in her wedding fund and take only 20% for her weekly allowance. Thus, Susie found 2 more paid gigs within her child-heavy community and for a year made do with a £19.20/week allowance. 

Suzie's 14th birthday: another £3,840

At 14, Suzie was delighted that she had saved an extra £3840, but decided to increase her allowance to 25% of her income. She also now wanted a dog, having become charmed by the species at one of her babysitting gigs. Her mother said she could buy a dog if she took a regular job walking them for a year. To family amazement, Suzie discovered that dog walkers in her area commanded £15 per half-hour walk. She added some dogs to her list of charges. Her spending money became £41.50 a week, which impressed Suzie so much, she started being careful with that, too, saving for quality clothing items.  

Suzie's 15th birthday: another £6,225 minus £1000 for Hortense the Purebred, so £5225 

At 15, Suzie purchased Hortense the Hound, and she had a very tiring year walking both Hortense and all the other dogs on top of her babysitting, homeschool work, chores and church. She took the dogs for walks along the river and dreamed of her future husband and their fairy tale wedding--in Falkland Palace, I think she imagined. She gave herself a £41.50 a week allowance, which her mother came secretly to envy. However, Suzie's mum pointed out to herself that a good chunk of that was spent on Hortense's needs, including insurance and obedience school. 

Suzie's 16th birthday: another £6,225

Suzie became tired of walking so many dogs, so she fired her doggie clients, raised her babysitting charges to £10 an hour and took a Tesco-he Supermarket job at £10.50. (Her mother, who harbours patrician notions, cried in secret.) In total she had 20 hours of paid work a week that year (which is not outrageous when you're homeschooled), earning £205/wk. She still took 25%, banking the rest, so her allowance was now £51.25. 

Suzie's 17th birthday: another £7,687

On her 17th birthday Suzie had £23,297 saved up, a dizzying sum more than adequate for the Average British Wedding. Her father, who never expected Suzie to stick to 20 hours of paid work a week, exclaimed that at this rate, she would have a down payment for a house when she married. Suzie, however, had found the book on the FIRE movement her mother planted under the sofa and dreamed of endless riches--or at least "£10,000 a year" from her capital like her beloved Mr. Darcy. She decided to cut back on her allowance spending and take extra shifts at The Supermarket so she could save an actual £10, 000.

Suzie's 18th birthday: another £10,000

On her 18th birthday, Suzie set up a Stocks and Shares ISA (Individual Savings Account) with a low-cost investment platform. Her initial deposit is £33, 297. She began university but continued to work a 20 hour paid week, giving herself an allowance of £60, which funded her transportation from home to uni and back, books and etceteras. Every month, £750 went from her chequing account to her ISA. She suffered greatly from an unrequited crush on a genial but feckless chap in the Catholic Student Union named Scooter. 

Suzie's 19th birthday: another £9,000 (plus capital gains)

Suzie continued to work and save capital and spend her allowance. She was shocked whenever her peers complained about not having enough money while spending long hours in the cafeteria playing cards. She suffered greatly from an unrequited crush on a particularly lazy chap in the Catholic Student Union named Hector. Hector was very handsome, at that age, and enjoyed nothing more than taking naps on the CSU sofa in the middle of the afternoon. She became rather good friends with Scooter, who couldn't understand what all the girls saw in Hopeless Hector. 

Suzie's 20th birthday: another £9,000 (plus capital gains)

Suzie turned 20 with mixed feelings. She enjoyed her work and studies and being (she was told) the best dressed girl in the CSU and very likely (she said only to her mother) the richest, barring any trust funds. However, she had been saving for her wedding since she was 13, and she didn't even have a boyfriend. 

What was wrong? Was she too forceful when she spoke? Was she too ambitious? Maybe she should spend less time behind the cash register and more time at CSU events? Maybe--dark thought--she wasn't pretty enough? Suzie's mother told her that most of the boys simply hadn't grown up yet and that Suzie would probably have better luck among the grad students. Meanwhile, Suzie was not just pretty, she was objective lovely. (Suzie's mother then hurried out of the room to burst into secret tears.) The day before her 21st birthday, Suzie got a full-time management job at The Supermarket and the in-house magazine had a field day. 

Suzie's 21st birthday: another £9,000 (plus capital gains)

Suzie had a smashing ceilidh for her 21st birthday, funded by her parents, grandparents, and herself. Everybody talked about it for the rest of the year not only because it was amazing but because the COVID lockdown struck two months afterwards. Chaos ensued at the uni, and Suzie had almost all the worries of everyone else who was supposed to graduate that year. She was deemed an essential worker, and thus continued to work for The Supermarket--now full-time. 

Suzie's new take-home pay was £24,850/a, of which £1553/m went into her Stocks and Shares ISA and £300/m went to her parents for room and board. Suzie wore a mask, would refuse the vax, and read Daily Sceptic and Monevator. Thanks to Monevator and years of governing her feelings behind the cash register, she refused to panic when the market tanked. She had her fiscal reward, that's for sure. Yay, tech stocks! 

Suzie's 22nd birthday: another £18,637 (plus capital gains)

On her 22nd birthday, Suzie felt very strange and left her online virtual birthday party (at which guests watched a video of themselves at her 21st birthday ceilidh) early. She had COVID. 

Scooter, who had come home from his graduate program at the Max Planck Institute (Mainz) when COVID hit, was quite worried about her. Not knowing what else to do, and greatly hampered by the lockdown, he sent her an enormous bouquet of flowers. Suzie's mother, finding the astonishingly large tribute socially distanced at the door, began to make subtle enquiries about Scooter. 

After recovering from COVID, Suzie went back to work and, when harassed about the vax, told people she had had COVID and was now immune. A friend in upper management warned her that her coat was on a shoogly peg.  

Suzie's 23rd birthday: another £18, 637 (plus capital gains)

Sometime after Suzie's 23rd birthday, Scooter finally got it together enough to ask her out for coffee after Mass. Suzie, in a panic, said she didn't want to because it would ruin the friendship. Scooter pointed out that it was only a coffee, come on. In response, Suzie literally ran away--clickety click in her beautiful shoes. 

In a huff, Scooter asked her open-mouthed younger sister if she would go out for a coffee with him. Naturally, she agreed and great was the drama in the family home afterwards. (Suzie's parents hadn't had such a great laugh [in private] in years.) 

About a week afterwards Suzie was fired by The Supermarket and escorted to the carpark by security. She went home crying to find Scooter on the doorstep. He got up, anxious to explain, and she fell into his arms. 

To be continued...

UPDATE: All characters in this story are completely fictional and are not based on anyone in real life. Hearty apologies to any Hectors who might now belong or have belonged to a British CSU. Also apologies if I unconsciously know anyone who studied at the Max Planck Institute [Mainz]. You're not Scooter.

UPDATE 2: After discovering the difference between dowered and dowried, I have changed the title slightly.