"How to ask a girl to dance (6 mistakes)"

A Polish friend once grumbled to me that all the young single women in his town were interested solely in mountain climbing and dancing. My advice was that he should either seek women elsewhere or hire a private dancing instructor. I also recommended instructional videos on YouTube. 

"Dancing is a human activity like singing and cooking," I said (in Polish, so I really said something like "Dancing is a people thing like to sing and kitchen"). "Everyone can learn people things."

Coincidentally, for Christmas this Polish friend sent me a bag of Boże Krówki toffees wrapped in quotations by post-Vatican II saints. The last toffee wrapper revealed a Thomistic thought of Mother Teresa of Calcutta, i.e. "Pokora to nic innego jak prawda," which in English is "Humility is nothing other than the truth." 

I very much like this saying, for it is another way of telling people to be rooted in the reality of who they are. It is not about putting yourself down or bewailing your lack of "talent."* It is not humble to say that you cannot sing or dance, especially if you belt out songs in the shower or perform a secret two-step behind closed doors. It is more humble to acknowledge that you could sing and dance as a child and would probably be able to do so again with instruction and practice. 

I offer myself as evidence that a monolingual ballet-program dropout can, with enough persistence, converse in three languages and teach waltzing classes, although not at the same time, and all imperfectly. 

That said, I did come across an amusing video about mistakes to avoid when asking girls to dance, which combined my new interest in dance instruction (formerly high up on my list of worst nightmares) with my decade-plus interest in Polish. Thanks to the physical comedy, I think it quite hilarious and will share it here with a rough translation.  

Incidentally, I am credibly informed that the dance instructor is not himself Polish and has a strong accent of some other Slavic nation, and therefore I should not feel bad about not hearing all the words. To be honest (humble), I hadn't been feeling bad. Polish is hard. Not grasping the totality of a foreign-to-you language is not a moral issue. But now I am bragging, for getting past the agony of error is even harder than Polish. 

Take it away, Dimitri!  

Hello. I'm Dmitri. In this guide, I will show you how to invite a [potential] partner to dance and how not to ask. Let's begin. (He raises his thumb). First thing. Never say to your partner, "Hey! Come here!" (Buzzer.) It's a mistake. Always use a line like this: "May I ask you to dance?" (Harp.) Always an elegant line. 

(Thumb raise) Okay, second thing. Never grab your [potential] partner by the arm. (Buzz.) Always offer your hand. And she will give you her hand. (Harp.) Always wait for her decision. Never do this (He puts out his hand) violently. 

Okay, third thing. NEVER do a mating dance in front of a [potential] partner. (Mating dance begins!) I know that a lot of guides on YouTube advise that you encourage her and so on. NEVER do this. (BUZZ!) It is simply laughable. (He looks serious in the studio) If your [potential] partner, the lady is a decent sort, she really isn't going to judge you. If you like the music, go up to her (Harp) in a very dignified manner. Keep elegant. DON'T do a mating (he folds hands) dance. I beg you. 

(Raises hands) Always approach your partner with a wide smile. (Partner twiddles hair.) Never go up to your partner looking like you're about to kill her. (BUZZ!) That is always ridiculous. (He approaches with a wide smile.) There is always a big chance that she [Harp muffles what I assume is] will accept your proposal to dance. (He leads her away.)

Fifth thing, be prepared to dance.  [...] Don't go rocking up to her like a bear.  (Buzz.) First, master the basics of a dance. The simplest is Disco-Samba. It works for all types of music that you might encounter at a pub, a wedding, a dance club, and so on. 

Remember that even if you follow all the guidelines I have laid down, always expect refusals. (Knee to rear.) If the girl refuses, if you're a normal guy, if you don't look like a homeless person, [...] then just ask another girl, the girl beside her. For example if a girl says to you, "Ew, yuck, ew," simply tell her you're not asking her and ask a girl who is very modest, whom nobody has asked. That way, you don't lose face---and--- (he shrugs) you get a partner for that dance. 

(Hands fly apart.) Remember that a great girl, a decent sort of woman, never judges you [? I think that's what he's saying) at a dance, or a wedding, or your graduation dance, and so on. If a woman refuses to dance, well, she's just not your woman. 

I hope that I have helped you a little, and and I invite you to our dance course. Ciao! 

Thank you very much, Dmitri, and thanks also to the many kind and patient Poles I know who have contributed to my ability to hear actual Polish words and not just zh-sz-cz-yaka-JEEV-na-koh-bee-ET-a.

*What we usually ascribe to talent usually comes from  hard work done for a long time under expert instruction. Then there is that little extra God-given something that separates the impressive from the astonishing. You probably won't be the next Fred Astaire or Eleanor Powell, but you can learn to dance.