Today I counted how many times I have been to Poland in the past ten years: 12. Lucky 13 is coming soon, if I can keep myself from catching the Dread Germ beforehand. The tickets cost at least three times what they cost in March, so the idea of falling sick now really terrifies me.
Yesterday I was speaking to a friend from the days of my youth, and we talked about the different needs of Nice Catholic Boy Singles and Nice Catholic Girl Singles. My pal runs a house for young Catholic men to learn to cook, clean, and generally learn to live with people not their parents before they attempt to get married. It's a wonderful apostolate. There's daily prayer and (before the pandemic) occasional very well-attended parties.
Naturally I am a big fan of this house, but it struck me that Nice Catholic Girl Singles don't need to live together to prepare for marriage although it is (or should be) a fun thing to do. (I wasn't even officially living with some of my friends before one first one got married, but it felt like I was living there. Good times. Amazing parties with photos as evidence.)
No, what Nice Catholic Girl Singles need to do is learn to chill out.
My pal agreed with this enthusiastically. He thinks (and has for some time) that modern girls have their education and career plans worked out long before modern boys have, and what modern boys must do (besides learn to wash, cook and clean) is "step up to the plate."
Basically NCGs have to stop worrying so much and wait for NCBs to get their acts together. Clearly different NCBs do this at different times, of course. I think it has been some years since I have typed the words "It's just coffee", so it might be worthwhile to assure new NGG readers that when a NCB asks you out for coffee, it really is just for coffee. If you agree to have a coffee with an NCB, you have not verbally signed a contract to go out for dinner to, or to get pre-engaged, or to get married. You can go out for coffee with Joe or Mike once, and never say more than a polite "Hi" to him in passing for the rest of your life. It's allowed. It's okay.
That said, if you do have coffee with Joe or Mike, blurt out all your deepest, darkest secrets, and THEN never say more than "Hi" every after (or hide whenever you see him coming), that's not very nice. Having become chilled enough to accept coffee with Joe or Mike, you must advance to the next stage of chill, which is to talk only about fun, lighthearted topics at your first coffee. Incidentally, make a non-breakable appointment for an hour after your coffee, so you don't talk forever.
"But I am not a talker!" I hear you wail from behind your screen. "Talking too much is not my problem. It's not have anything to say that is the killer."
I feel your pain, but there is an easy way out of this: talking to Mr Coffee as if you were interviewing him for a newspaper. I did a fun interview last week, and I started off with "Where were you born and brought up and where did you go to university?"
I learned many interesting things just from those questions, and the conversation could have gone fruitfully in many different ways. However, I had an agenda, so "How did you get into politics?" was my next question. In Mr Coffee's case, if the "born/brought up/university" thread snaps, you could ask "How were you introduced to Tradition?" or whatever it is you know you have in common. Actually listen to the answers, of course, and notice whether or not he listens to your answers or, indeed, asks you any questions.
Long-time reader Tiny Therese mentioned frustration with men not making it clear if an appointment is a real date or "is hanging out". I'm feeling cynical today, so I would say that if he clearly took pains with his appearance, it's a date, and if he didn't, it's just hanging out. I would also say that if the appointment was his idea, it's a date (unless it becomes clear that he thinks it is a free psychotherapy session), but if you asked him, it is probably hanging out. One of the facts of life is that although customs change, human nature doesn't, so if you ask a guy out you will not know for a long time if he really likes you back, or if he just lazily enjoys female company. If a man wants to ask you out, he will ask you out.
My classic advice for coping with my ban on NCGs asking NCBs on dates is to throw parties to which you invite the NCBs you like best. As the hostess, you are expected to talk to all your guests, so you will be able to talk to the NCB you like best, just as if you were on a date, only in a much more relaxed way. Make sure he is not the last to leave.
Relaxed and happy is the best way to be if you are a NCG Single, which is a terribly hard saying, but I am telling you from experience that this is the zone to live in as much as possible if you wish to cease being Single.
Showing posts with label Singles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Singles. Show all posts
Thursday, 6 August 2020
Friday, 15 February 2019
Valentine's Day
I went out for dinner with my littlest brother! :-D
Okay, I am married so it's not the same thing as not having a sweetheart on Valentine's Day. However, it was yet another Valentine's Day far from my sweetheart.
B.A. did give me a card to pack and open today. And he sent me a photo of snowdrops.
Okay, I am married so it's not the same thing as not having a sweetheart on Valentine's Day. However, it was yet another Valentine's Day far from my sweetheart.
B.A. did give me a card to pack and open today. And he sent me a photo of snowdrops.
Saturday, 1 September 2018
Dating Advice: The Party Option
As long-term readers know, I used to give dating advice to Catholic Singles and "other Singles of Good Will".
I quit when I realised that A) I had been married for too long and B) new technological advances (e.g. Tinder) had changed dating and C) very possibly human nature, too.
Technology made my own experiences obsolete. Not to put too fine a point on it, our brains are literally being shaped by our devices and nobody my age grew up watching internet pron (do other people still render the word 'pron'?), which means that men who grew up using it are cognitively different from earlier generations of men. And I was so clueless when I first wrote about internet pron, I did not know women get addicted to it too.
So I quit giving advice and eventually the emails stopped coming. But this week I got a delightful SOS from a long-term reader about a young man with whom a priest had tried to set her up. The young man has not, however, asked her out yet.
"[A male relation] has told me that the possibilities are A) he's clueless B) [...] a wimp C) [...] not interested or D) has SSA," your fellow reader wrote.
I am helpless before the severe problems that plague men whose internet use was not effectively monitored by their parents, but I DO know what a Catholic woman can do when she wants to get to know a faithful Catholic man better.
First, she cannot ask him out blatantly on a date. "Ask him out" was the bad advice given to my generation. It was bad advice because it led to thousands of women paying for dinner for thousands of men who had no real interest in us but didn't want to hurt our feelings or thought that we (or any woman) were okay for now and Miss Perfect was sure to come along later.
If behind these words you hear a faint echo of the 1990s dating bible The Rules, you are so right.
The anthropological-hermeneutical standpoint of The Rules is that male human nature doesn't change, and that men-in-general love to solve puzzles, go hunting, and generally overcome challenges to get what they want. Men-in-general don't want long-term what they can too easily get short-term. Therefore, be friendly to men, but don't look overly available.
A fellow Rules devotee I used to argue the question if this need-for-a-challenge were innate or changed from culture-to-culture. This was a decade ago, before we knew what internet pron was doing to men's brains, and now she is the mother of children strictly forbidden from using electronic devices.
All the same, I stand by the "don't ask him out" rule. Actually, it's more important than ever, so as to avoid men hooked on immediate gratification.*
What a Single Catholic woman CAN do to get to know a particular Single Catholic man better is invite him to a small party at her house.
Frankly, I cannot see any harm in saying to a man recommended by a trusted priest, "Hey, I'm/my housemates and I are having a few friends from [place man is familiar with] around for dinner on Friday night. Would you like to come?"
The reason for the smallness of the party is in case the young man hates large parties. Many people do. The "dinner" part makes the point of the party clear and is also an incentive, as it suggests a break from bachelor food. And the very invitation is a signal to the young man is that he is considered worthy of an invite to a young woman's home. And even the strictest and retro of Young Fogeys (should he be such) could not find anything unfeminine in a party invitation.
If the young man turns down the party invitation, go ahead and have the dinner party anyway. Hopefully you have planted the germ of the idea that you'd be open to spending time with him in his head. At a decent interval, perhaps three months, arrange another dinner party and invite him to that. If he once again voices regret, then wash him out of your hair.
Incidentally, in my experience most non-predatory men are clueless and many supposed wimps are still good marriage material for somebody. Clearly the men who are not interested in you are NOT potential husbands, and neither are most men with SSA. However, they are still potential friends, so the dinner party is a good investment anyway.
*That said, a man may turn down a date because it sounds very complicated next to staying at home with internet pron. He will never tell you that though. You will erroneously think you did something wrong or aren't pretty enough or whatever, but the real reason will be Triple XXX. It's sad, but every revolution--including the Sexual Revolution---has casualties. The landscape is littered with the bodies of young men who are spiritually dead.
I quit when I realised that A) I had been married for too long and B) new technological advances (e.g. Tinder) had changed dating and C) very possibly human nature, too.
Technology made my own experiences obsolete. Not to put too fine a point on it, our brains are literally being shaped by our devices and nobody my age grew up watching internet pron (do other people still render the word 'pron'?), which means that men who grew up using it are cognitively different from earlier generations of men. And I was so clueless when I first wrote about internet pron, I did not know women get addicted to it too.
So I quit giving advice and eventually the emails stopped coming. But this week I got a delightful SOS from a long-term reader about a young man with whom a priest had tried to set her up. The young man has not, however, asked her out yet.
"[A male relation] has told me that the possibilities are A) he's clueless B) [...] a wimp C) [...] not interested or D) has SSA," your fellow reader wrote.
I am helpless before the severe problems that plague men whose internet use was not effectively monitored by their parents, but I DO know what a Catholic woman can do when she wants to get to know a faithful Catholic man better.
First, she cannot ask him out blatantly on a date. "Ask him out" was the bad advice given to my generation. It was bad advice because it led to thousands of women paying for dinner for thousands of men who had no real interest in us but didn't want to hurt our feelings or thought that we (or any woman) were okay for now and Miss Perfect was sure to come along later.
If behind these words you hear a faint echo of the 1990s dating bible The Rules, you are so right.
The anthropological-hermeneutical standpoint of The Rules is that male human nature doesn't change, and that men-in-general love to solve puzzles, go hunting, and generally overcome challenges to get what they want. Men-in-general don't want long-term what they can too easily get short-term. Therefore, be friendly to men, but don't look overly available.
A fellow Rules devotee I used to argue the question if this need-for-a-challenge were innate or changed from culture-to-culture. This was a decade ago, before we knew what internet pron was doing to men's brains, and now she is the mother of children strictly forbidden from using electronic devices.
All the same, I stand by the "don't ask him out" rule. Actually, it's more important than ever, so as to avoid men hooked on immediate gratification.*
What a Single Catholic woman CAN do to get to know a particular Single Catholic man better is invite him to a small party at her house.
Frankly, I cannot see any harm in saying to a man recommended by a trusted priest, "Hey, I'm/my housemates and I are having a few friends from [place man is familiar with] around for dinner on Friday night. Would you like to come?"
The reason for the smallness of the party is in case the young man hates large parties. Many people do. The "dinner" part makes the point of the party clear and is also an incentive, as it suggests a break from bachelor food. And the very invitation is a signal to the young man is that he is considered worthy of an invite to a young woman's home. And even the strictest and retro of Young Fogeys (should he be such) could not find anything unfeminine in a party invitation.
If the young man turns down the party invitation, go ahead and have the dinner party anyway. Hopefully you have planted the germ of the idea that you'd be open to spending time with him in his head. At a decent interval, perhaps three months, arrange another dinner party and invite him to that. If he once again voices regret, then wash him out of your hair.
Incidentally, in my experience most non-predatory men are clueless and many supposed wimps are still good marriage material for somebody. Clearly the men who are not interested in you are NOT potential husbands, and neither are most men with SSA. However, they are still potential friends, so the dinner party is a good investment anyway.
*That said, a man may turn down a date because it sounds very complicated next to staying at home with internet pron. He will never tell you that though. You will erroneously think you did something wrong or aren't pretty enough or whatever, but the real reason will be Triple XXX. It's sad, but every revolution--including the Sexual Revolution---has casualties. The landscape is littered with the bodies of young men who are spiritually dead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)